I Don't Need To Defy The Binary.
My personal story on identifying as a they/them non-binary individual for 2 years, and why I started embracing my he/him male identity 2 months ago.
Tender-hearted. Humble. Meek. Self-sacrificing. Believe it or not, these are terms used to describe what masculinity should look like in biblical scriptures. In the Bible, we see men weep, embrace and hug their friends, give kisses as signs of platonic affection to their dearest friends, they would even tear their clothes in grief and mourning. Men in the Bible are quite emotional and expressive! They’re also called to be self-sacrificing and respectful towards women and towards others. I know people often want to use the verse that states “women should submit to their husbands” as a sign of sexism in Christian faith, but you must consider the previous verse that calls all of us to submit to each other, and that men must love their wives as Christ loves all. The way Christ showed His love to us was by literally enduring pain and torture and suffering leading to death on all of our behalf’s. It is a self-sacrificing love, where He laid His life down for us. And men are called to show that same love to their wives. So please, don’t get stuck on language used in the book. Understand that this is a mutual laying down of self’s. Anyways. Side-tangent over. Back to those previous adjectives I used to define masculinity. Today, the image of masculinity really does not reflect or embrace those ideals. When I hear men discussed by my female friends, it’s more often than not with a sense of disdain. Disdain due to the fact that they’ve dealt with men shamelessly hitting on them, sexually harassing them, and very unfortunately, sometimes even assaulting them. Disgusting. Masculinity today embodies a sense of needing to be powerful, mistaking a call to leadership as a need to be strong and controlling. You must hide your true feelings, because (somehow) emotions equal weakness. Men have to strive for their own self-fulfillment, they need to be gym bros, they need to like cool cars and football, they need to work cool manly jobs like construction or warehousing or some kind of mechanical trade. That all looks really contradictory to what the Bible calls true masculinity. Personally, today’s masculine culture also looks really unappealing to me, a man born into the current modern age. If we look at me through the lens of today’s masculinity, the most masculine things about me are probably my mustache and my taste in liquors. So, naturally, I rejected the modern image of masculinity. But…I didn’t really know where to go from there. If you’ve read my most popular post “ANOMALOUS, ADROGYNOUS, AND ADHERENT” then I’m sure you already know that whole story. I came out as non-binary as a way to embrace more of myself removed from modern masculinity. It went as far to a point where I started to experience dysphoria, and for a total of six days, I took hormones to try and change my body to a more feminine build, appearance, and function. Then, to say the least, a LOT happened and I changed my mind. I’m going to try and dive into that through this post, and talk about why I’m at peace with identifying as a male.
THE SUMMER OF A LIFETIME
My summer came with quite a few life changing events. As a result of this summer, I lost some friends, my band needs a drummer, I’m single, I’m unemployed, and my family had to process a rather horrific truth about a family friend coming to light. Oh! And I experienced a very radical revival of my faith in the Lord. A revival that opened my eyes to who God wants me to be. One night, the Lord spoke to me amidst all of this grief, as I prayed for the Holy Spirit to fill me and for Him to transform me. He said, “I want to heal your image of masculinity”. God has since then given me a new sense of identity and confidence and joy in my identity as a man, a redeemed self-image that only He could provide. I didn’t experience this through coercion. This was a move of God in my life that I’ve accepted. This summer put me under immense pressure, and by the grace of my Father, that pressure led to change and transformation I was desperately in need of. I came to realize in many ways, I was living selfishly, all in the name of protecting my peace and trying to stay mentally and emotionally stable. All my efforts failed, because I’m just a human. I was humbled, and had to recognize God was the only way I was going to find true life. And it’s been true, I feel I’ve spent this past month truly living with Him at the top of all my priorities, seeking Him before anything else in this life.
BREAKING DOWN MY TRUTH
There is truth, and there are feelings. And, there are also lies. I had to acknowledge that I was using God’s love and scripture to justify what was ultimately my own way of living. I wasn’t laying myself down and accepting what the Lord had to say, I was using Him as a means to justify my feelings. Do I believe that being non-binary was right or wrong? Honestly, I don’t feel I could confidently align myself to either belief 100% of the way. I see how that identity hurt me and made me speak from a place of bad theology. But, I also see how God used it has a way to expose and convict me of things, while also allowing me to bless others that would normally never interact with a christian in any capacity. So, what I can say with confidence is that God used it for His good. And now He will use my male identity for His good. He healed my perception of myself and has set me free to learn the truth of scripture and to embrace better theology. I can say now that when it comes to scripture, it isn’t about you. It’s about being transformed by the renewing of your mind and allowing God to change you through the Holy Spirit. I had to acknowledge that after awhile, my non-binary identity was serving myself. It became selfish and all about me and how I think I should be, rejecting God’s design for me. And trust me. Conforming to the Lord’s design isn’t just about being a little subservient mortal that He can do whatever He wishes with. God LOVES you. And He knows what’s best. He knows what feeds death and destruction, and He knows what will feed life and truth. His way for me guarantees life and peace and truth and growth and selfless living. I cannot create that path for myself. I am simply unable. My non-binary identity was leading my down a path of my own understanding, gradually becoming farther away from God. By grace and grace alone, He pulled me back in and I happily walk His path for my life. I let go of how I understood myself and the world and embraced what He has to say. As a result, I feel like I understand myself and the world far better than I ever could’ve understood on my own.
WRAP UP
Let’s get somethings straight. If you identify with a queer identity of ANY sort, I love you. And God loves you more. If He wants to lead you out of that identity and into a new one, I leave that between you and Him. I do not judge. It’s not my place. I feel that my time identifying as non-binary was blessed and turbulent, and my life still is both of those things. But I’m confident I see much more clearly now, and my image of men and myself is much healthier now than it was before. I see with love, and I walk in truth. Man…I didn’t expect this post to turn into as much of a testimony as it has, but hey. That won’t stop me from posting it. If I’ve ever spoken bad theology over you, I’m very sorry. If I’ve discouraged you, I’m very sorry. Just know I want you to be blessed and to experience the love of God, and I will love you through it all. I hope this post shed light on my reasons for no longer identifying as non-binary. I also just wanted that to be made public knowledge lol. Either way. Thank you for reading my friends. Please, have a fantastic day. I’ll see you back here next week I hope. Go out and enjoy the day!