Summertime changes meanings as you age, I feel. As a little kid, it means one great thing: sweet, sweet freedom. Class is out! School is NOT in session! Three straight months of limitless cartoon binging, riding bike around the neighborhood, late night games of tag with friends in all the backyards we probably shouldn’t have been running around in, slushies at the mini mart, beach trips, cookouts, family visits, popsicles, ice cream, fresh fruit and a bright sun. Even the rainy days come with the scent of summertime. But then, something happens in life. You graduate. You’re free from school like…forever now. As a kid, this sounds like an amazing thing. It’s like summer vacation, but now it’s endless! Of course, this really isn’t the case as an adult. The real world waits for no one. You get a job, you go to college, you move out, you get married, you pursue a career, you travel, you have children. You got bills to pay. You got a car to take care of while using it. You have relationships that you have to work so much harder to keep. And summertime? Well, sometimes it just feels like another season now. Of course, we have other ways to keep it meaningful now. For adults, summertime can still mean freedom in many ways. Family trips, going to the beach on the weekend, going out to music and art festivals, and holidays for family to get together during. I was ready for this summer to be something stunning. For a moment, it was. Then it came with the usual summer rain. But the rain didn’t come with an end in sight.
JULY ARRIVED WITH HEAVY LUGGAGE
I started July in a somber state of recovery. My relationship of 15 months had just come to an end. I had friends, a band, and a job, and a caring family. But I knew something within me had to change. I prayed to God for that change, not really knowing what type of a change I needed. Something had to become better, but I didn’t know where to start. So, every morning. Pray for Holy Spirit, pray for conviction, pray for change. Go to work. Hangout with friends. Get caught up in old vices every few days. Pray again. It played out like that for the most part. I didn’t know if anything was improving, but as each day passed, grieving got a little easier and I felt a little less sad. July nears an end. Then, a certain week comes around.
Monday. A bandmate leaves and friendship gets severed.
Tuesday. Old mental doors open up. The trauma of a sexually assaulted child swarms my mind and hurts my heart.
Wednesday. I can’t eat my lunch. Too much in my head.
Thursday. Spend the day with family. Being alone is too scary.
Friday. Start making plans for the weekend. But I don’t know what to do. I’m too scared to visit anyone.
Saturday. Take a leap. Go out to the store with my family. Visit my grandparents. Go to church that night. Meet up with family friends later that night. A glimpse of normalcy.
Sunday. Go to church. Pray. Cry. Can’t sleep well. The thought of returning to work is scary.
Monday. Go to work. Get through the day. Get home. Learn a trusted childhood family friend is now in county prison for pedophilia. Visit friends and family. Everyone is distraught. My head hurts so much more now. God, please.
Tuesday. Take the day off. Try to process. Mind and memories are getting worse. Phone call from my boss. “We feel like you aren’t the right fit. We’re going to have to let you go.”
Wednesday. I’ve been praying so hard, and there’s a tough tug on my chest. Demons are laughing at me. Deliverance prayer ensues, and I cry on my living room floor. Every tear my body could possibly create left in that moment.
Thursday. Choose to walk in that deliverance and truth. Rehearse for a show with a substitute drummer. Sounds great, we’re ready.
Friday. I’m starting to feel better. I’m studying my Bible and receiving a lot of encouragement, and God is really becoming the center of my very existence.
Saturday. Showtime. And it’s a blast. Spend the night with friends, laughing. Smiling. Making music. Go home…and sleep well.
Sunday. Go to church. Pray. Smile. Sing.
It’s Thursday, August 15th now. I feel like I got chewed up and spit out by the devil himself, but let me tell you. God is here and working.
AUGUST CARRIES THE WEIGHT
Remember how I started praying at the start of July? Before the end of the month came with all of…well, that? Well, God answered my vague prayers. And I see it now. I was selfish, more concerned with how I can care for myself, more concerned with up-keeping my sense of individualism as opposed to fully letting go and recognizing God wants to make all of that worth something. Here I am. The Holy Spirit came in and wrecked up what I thought I wanted, what I thought I needed, what I thought I knew. And now, a beautiful garden is being planted. There’s a grave within me. It holds a false vision of myself, it holds demons, and it’s buried deep underground. And God is planting flowers over it. I can look back on the short time that brought such a wicked storm and see now just how much Jesus came to my level and ministered to me right where I was at in life. I can see clearly how He’s using everything for His glory, and I couldn’t feel greater joy knowing my life is for Him. Through prayer, scripture, worship, and the Holy Spirit, I’m reminded that God speaks absolute truth over my character, Jesus has delivered me from death and hell, and the Holy Spirit is transforming me into who God made me to be. I’m hungry to learn more, and I find myself captivated by the love and the peace I’ve come to feel by just submitting myself to God. My desires, my self-image, I held onto it so tightly. But now that God holds those things, I see now how little they mean in comparison to Him. Those things belong in His arms, where He can craft and mold them into something that can steward Heaven and equip me to love people the way I was designed to. God called me back into my masculine identity, and I’ve watched Him heal that part of me in great measure already. My friends, this summer has meant death and new life for me. Death to the previous version of myself, so wrapped up in who I can be and what I can do, and I now find new life in embracing who God is and that His plan for my life is perfect. I’ve always been a christian. Now I’m just lit on fire and full of faith.
Friends, thank you for reading this. I really wanted to share the turbulent summer I’ve had so far, but I really wanted to tell you how Jesus has met me in the midst of it. I pray and hope that you guys have reasons to look forward to each summer, to each new season. Great is God’s grace that we get new seasons. I really appreciate you all, caring about what I write here. I hope to continue to write out things full of life and encouragement for you all. Have a totally blessed day, you valuable human being you.